If you’ve encountered clinical
depression—either directly or through a loved one—you know how devastating it
can be to a person and to everyone around them. You know how hopeless it can
feel to try to help a person who is depressed—to know what to say, what to do,
when to push and when to hold back, when to show tough love, and when to just
be there.
I have been
clinically depressed three times. I’ve also watched more than one person that I
love go through the same—watched the people closest to me experience what I
would not wish on my worst enemy. To that end, I want to share these seven things I think everyone should know about depression, from the perspective of someone who has been there.
We will hurt you without realizing it. To us, you are invincible. You’re in the land of the living where people laugh and mean it, get out of bed without valiant effort, and understand that it’s possible to be loved. You’re on the other side and we can’t fathom that we have the power to hurt you. We are powerless.
We spend exorbitant amounts of energy trying to act “normal” so we don’t make those around us uncomfortable. Everything in our being is telling us to stay home and avoid the world. Interacting with others makes us tired. Be understanding when we don’t want to participate in social activities.
We will push you away when we need you the most. Human interaction and personal relationships are the antithesis to depression. Visit us even when we try to push you away. Being present in our lives and reminding us that we are not alone is invaluable.
Nothing you can say will help, so just be there. We need you to listen without trying to fix things, to remind us that you aren’t going anywhere, to let us know that it’s okay that we’re depressed and that you don’t expect us to pretend that everything is okay. When you remain present in our lives, we are reassured that you are still in our corner.
When it comes to therapy or medication, telling us what to do or wanting us to operate on a specific timeline is not helpful. We are doing our best. Both of these paths require hard work and time, and whether we try either one is a personal choice. Support our decisions.
You shouldn’t feel obligated to take care of a depressed person. Do it only because you want to and feel up to it and believe you are close enough to be right for the job. It’s okay to choose your own sanity and wellbeing—either some of the time when you need a break, or all of the time if you choose not to become a part of the person’s support network.
Helping a depressed friend should not mean that you have to sacrifice your own wellbeing or give up your own plans and activities. You do not have to respond to every cry for help as if the apocalypse is coming. It’s okay to respond to a dramatic text by saying, “I’m in the middle of something, can I call you tomorrow?” or “I love you and I want to help, but I’m actually dealing with a personal problem myself right now”. If you get run down by being too available and involved, you won’t have energy left to be a good friend.
I've written a book that goes a bit further into each of these ideas—but it's still short and concise, just like this blog post. If you're interested to read more, please consider buying my book.
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